Hmm... uncomfortable

What an entirely ackward day at work today. Ever get the feeling that people have a secret they are not willing to tell you? And you know it is usually a bad one. I had that feeling all day today. I seriously think my job is in jepordy, no matter how I struggle play by the rules... the problem is my head disagrees and taking all those meds just pushes me to the limits, and so I disapoint and worse it looks bad. No matter that no one was willing to accomadate me when I returned to work, as a full time employee it just looks bad. Someone from another branch, that used to work at ours, heard about the two days last week I missed... which made me wonder why this is big gossip, but at least she comprehends what I am going through and recommendeds I talk to HR to save my butt. And I agree. I really, really should. Another co-worker asked if I had called in sick on Thursday, which implied the boss lady said I did not... and I did, I am sure that I did, but I cannot recall what I said, as I was all messed up and seem to be having some retrograde amnesia goin on for those two days. Anyway sucks to be me right now... nothing like ackwardness with the boss and all the staff. And a migraine to boot... a nasty visual aura hell migraine, with wapring walls, intense visual snow, fogginess, double vision and shifting white lights... that is pretty messed up even for me... maybe it is the doubling of the Lyrica... or maybe the construction we have going on in the branch. Certainly, that is kind of messing with my asthma, which explains the pressure feeling to the headache I had later, after I had taken the abortive and the heaviness to my breathing. Thnakfully, the hazy migrianes kind of give me a comforting apathy, which enables me to react without the nervous break down part.


Stumble It!

Found a good blog... for those with FMS

I really don't talk about Fibromyalgia a lot on this blog, but that is because it is just a fluctuating mass of symptoms and shifting pain. Don't get me wrong, it is the root of all evil and when several of those symtptoms rise up at once it is pure hell. But a tolerable hell, as long as I do nothing to poke the sleeping bear. While chronic migraines, well, they stop me from doing anything, including such necessities as working. I should not forget the triggers over lap, the my sensativity to light, sound, scents are all because of the FMS, and then trigger a migraine. And sometimes I am brainless because of a migriane and sometimes fibrofog... so difficult to tell the difference really. Anyway, I generally do not talk about it at all, because it is difficult to explain, people don't get it and if I can get away with 'passing' for healthy, then it is just easier for us all. It leads to a reluctance to discuss new symptoms with doctors as well, because you think it is normal for you, will go away in time, or is a side effect. We are trained pretty early to ignore discomforts and by doctors who brush of our worries as just the 'FMS' that we ourselves do not pay attention to potentially serious symtpoms. Given my reluctance to go to the ER, which started by an ER doc saying FMS does not exist, I would say I learned that lesson so well. And so have my doctors, paying a great deal of attention to comorbid conditions while ignoring the syndrome that has been there all along. Anyway, such is life. And the moral is pay attention to any abnormal health issues and at least mention them to your doctor.... for a written record and such. Or, like me, you will have six months of shortness of breath you pass off as a side effect, only to find out you have asthma.

So I found a well developed blog on FMS and added it to my link list. It looks like the author keeps up to date with the research and news. Living with Fibromyalgia

Knowing your options, when work is not one of them...

Back in the day, I was working for a company that did not have benifits and was not willing to accomadate my increasing chronic migraine issue. Understandably, I was distraught. Thankfully, my doctor at the time thought it prudent I take a leave of absence from work in order to find proper treatment. So number one when you find yourself in this spot, is having a doctor that is willing to fill out the paperwork and also believes you should have a medical leave. So without benifits from an employer you have the option, as a Canadian, to go on medical unemployment leave. It is not 100% of what you made, but it is something.

Service Canada link to medical leave

Then there is Canada Pension Plan (CPP) for peoples with disabilities. "CPP Disability is part of the Canada Pension Plan (CPP). It is designed to provide financial assistance to CPP contributors who are unable to work because of a severe and prolonged disability." This is a bit tricky though and never tried going on it myself, due to the definition on 'severe and prolonged'. I have heard it is hard to get on and stay on. However, when you use up your benifits at work, then your EI, you gotta do something. And you can apply for both medical EI and CPP at the same time, in fact you should, because CPP is a far longer process and you do not want to starve in the interm.


Service Canada CPP info

Abilities Magazine offers a great deal of information for disabilities in Canada, browse there network to find resources in your area.

WORKink is a site dedicated to working with disabilties.

So there is some Canadian content info on disabilities and medical leave. Service Canada does supply a lot of the information you need, the hoops you need to jump through, if you are looking for financial assistence.

Twisted migraine dreams

I am in peak migraine mode right now, and with work being so utterly lovely, it makes for a pain filled day. So when I get home I usually crash from migraine burn out and some feeble attempt to sleep it off. However, I don't sleep it off, if I can sleep I end up with migraine induced dreams. Today, I came home just drained and instead of going to the local fair with my bf I took a two hour nap. And as usual when I dream with a migraine, the dream has to do with pain, often expressing itself in a violent dream, a choatic dream, or lately (maybe cause of my chipper mood) dreams about intense migraine symptoms. Today I dreamed my fingers were so swollen I could not move them and then I had a severe asthma attack, dying and gasping for air as a RN arrived to think I was 'over reacting'... it was unpleasant, because it expresses how horrible you can feel without getting any help for it. Yesterday night, I had some issues sleeping all together, and then had a dream that I was rubbing my temples, cause the pain was intense, but when I pressed my figers to the temple I went blind, like my vision just slowly faded right out, and then my left side of my face went numb and melted like hot wax.. freaky (migraine blindness and facial numbness freaky at the best of times, but the whole face melting thing more so).

Anyway it was a long fricken day and I needed that sleep in the worst way. I will likely spend all weekend playing catch up on the sleep because it has been a long, painful, drawn out week and if I don't manage some recouperation Monday will be a bitch. My brain just felt like it was melting at the end of the day, as the migraine lag started to kick in and I got slower and slower... staring blankly at my computer screen for seconds trying to figure how to do what I was doing or what I was doing in the first place... and since anything I do does not appease anyone lately anyway, I suppose it does not matter much if I do it in a way they don't like. I rather felt like passing out, my vision is full of black spots, but not the aura sort... more like when I move my eyes or blink my vision is blacking out a bit... not that passing out from a migraine is impossible, been there done that. I guess what the neuro said makes sense, your body just shuts down as a defensive mechanism when the pain is too much. I say skip the passing out and go straight for the coma.

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...